Meat and Me

I don't eat meat.

I like it, love it even, but I don't eat it. It's a choice I made about seven years years ago, based on a number of reasons, including moral, environmental and sentimental factors. My argument is not holeproof (I am an ovo-lacto vegetarian), but it's a choice I made, for myself and no one else, and it rarely affects anyone apart from me, so there's no reason for any one to object to it. Or question it, as far as I am concerned.

It is however, a very frustrating choice by which to live. Three reasons, mainly:

1. Eating in restaurants

2. The whole, "Oh you don't eat fish?" thing.

3. My mother.

Restaurants. Australia is possibly the worst country I have ever eaten in, in terms of accommodating vegetarians. Israel was great. For starters, any dairy in the dish? You can be sure there is no meat in it. That's kosher. India - fucking awesome - they understand vegetarianism there. All meals are "veg" or "non-veg". Concise. Absolute. Note also that the terminology is determined by the criterion of vegetarianism. The choices are not "veg" or  "meat", but "veg" and "non-veg". Because "non-veg" could conceivably contain animal products without actual meat chunks, like stock for instance. Yep, they get it. Hell I think they probably invented it. And the range! A huge range of "veg" food. Given there are about a billion more types of vegetable than meat that is commonly eaten, this makes sense to me. Unlike our local family restaurant that has nine different salads, not a one of them vegetarian.  Greece was pretty bad, about on par with Australia. Maybe a little worse. But even the UK, which is often viewed as more conservative than Australia, even the UK is aware of the fact that there are people who don't eat meat. Not Australia, though, fuck no. I'm lucky if there are two vegetarian choices when I go out to a restaurant. It's like there's some totalitarian chef in the kitchen screaming "Vegetarians? Tonight they shall eat QUICHE!" Oh yeah and fuck the vegans. Dunno where my blood pressure would be if I ever joined that crowd.

This brings me nicely to my second point. Fish. Have a look at a fish. See its eyes? Little swimmy fins? Mouth for eating? You ever seen a vegetable with a mouth? Yeah, OK, potatoes have eyes, never heard that one before but COME ON. Why is it such a foreign and baffling concept if I say that, being vegetarian, I don't eat fish? Fish is meat. No really, just let me say it again. Fish. Is. Meat. MEAT. Fish is meat. And I don't eat it. Yes I KNOW some vegetarians eat fish. But they aren't really vegetarian are they? I saw a good quote once. 

"Saying you are vegetarian and occasionally eat fish is like saying you are a pacifist that occasionally punches a child in the head".

I don't care if people eat fish and no other meat. That's great. I really could not give a shit. But if you call yourself vegetarian and eat fish, then what you are doing is creating this idea in the heads of meat eaters, this idea that vegetarians eat fish. So it can be really very difficult for them to comprehend that fish does not form part of the vegetarian diet. Which leads to situations like the following:

*enters restaurant*

Me: I see you have one vegetarian dish, "Stir Fry Vegetarian Delight". What's the sauce on that?

Waiter: Oyster sauce.

Me: You know oysters are meat right? And not vegetarian?

Waiter: ...oh.

Similarly I ate from the "vegetarian" menu at our local Thai Place (that is not a misplaced capital, it is actually called "Thai Place". Is it meant to be "palace"? Or is it just more honestly descriptive?) all year until a sneaking suspicion prompted me to ask if there was any fish sauce in the vegetarian food. "Oh yes. And shrimp paste". 

Fish, people. Fish are made of meat. 

And the third point. My mother. Generally a fairly liberal person, who never, before I became vegetarian, objected to eating vegetarian dishes. She seemed to take the whole thing very personally. I actually feel that this is the result of her seeing an implicit judgement of her own dietary choices in my decision to not eat meat. But for whatever reason, since I stopped eating meat, she has become extraordinarily vocal about her right to eat meat. She can't eat meat quietly around me. She has to make her eyes all wide and announce loudly, "MMMMM FLESH". When going out to dinner with me and my friends she will immediately ally herself with other meat eaters, as if she has to assert the rights of her fellow carnivores or else she will be forced to have a meal without any animal in it at all. Oh the humanity.

I did an experiment once. My brother, several years ago, decided to become vegetarian also. Nothing to do with me, but of course I was happy about it. At the time he told me, he had not yet told my mother. So I said casually to mum, hey, have you heard about Tris's recent lifestyle change? And she said, no, what is it? I said, he's gay. She said, oh OK then. That probably would have been the end of that. No real reaction, not bothered at all. So I said, OK I lied. He's not gay, he's vegetarian. And she screeched, WHAT THE FUCK? And refused to believe that I wasn't joking for a good five minutes. This whole exchange confirms for me that the woman is not conservative or narrow minded, but rather fanatically a carnivore who feels the need to impose her own choices, in this regard, on other people. 

Take my birthday for example. It's my birthday soon. She's invited some of my friends over and she said she'd make a nice meal. What would you like she says. To eat. For dinner. Just to be clear, I say, something without meat. She scoffs. Of course without meat, what did I think? I say, OK, I don't mind, anything. But not a barbeque, because it will turn into a meat fest. She says, OK. 

That was two days ago. Today she says to me, So I decided what to make for your birthday. A barbeque. 

But, but, but, I said that was the only thing I didn't want?

Yes, yes I know, but it's easy to just throw some meat on the barbeque, and I can buy some vege burgers for you.

Thanks mum. It's my birthday, and you're gonna give me vege burgers, while everyone else eats steak. Cheers.

I don't understand why it is so hard to contemplate a single meal that doesn't have meat in it. One day it'll happen, and she'll drop dead from instantaneous anaemia.